Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
You Might Also Like
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.