*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
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I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.