It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.