Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.