You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
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[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…