Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
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[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.