Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
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Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Catercrombie & Fish
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.