Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
then why did i get this email
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.