That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated