Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
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Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best