Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”