My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
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“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.