boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt