Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.