me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
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#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.