well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
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[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality