[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Leaving the Barbers like
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri