Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
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Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep