I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
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Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me driving through Toronto
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…