Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
You Might Also Like
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
*exercises sarcastically*
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!