I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Happy Caturday!
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”