Nobody ever collects famous first words.
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Guilty! 🤪
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Bit chilly again tonight.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.