I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
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Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
The funk soul brother
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.