When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
You Might Also Like
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My love language is hissing.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good