store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
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Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Yes
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I just love that new Pope smell.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)