Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
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Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”