Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS