my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
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Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Battery falling down a hole
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Well, shit
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.