*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
You Might Also Like
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
so weird how every mom was born today
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.