I love the National Park Service.
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(True)
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
all toddlers look the same when telling a story