me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
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Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.