Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Saw your ex at the shops
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.