Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
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You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
oh you wanna fight?!
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.