Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
How it started How it’s going
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.