me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
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If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
no one likes gloating
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Is this a threat?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados