Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
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Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.