Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
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Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
#titanic
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this