Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices