As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
You Might Also Like
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.