Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth