You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
no one ever comes back
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
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