If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
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Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.