Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.