Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
This rocks
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*