Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
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A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.