If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows