Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
uh oh
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.