When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
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The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Interior design 👌
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*