When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.