Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
PARKOUR
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day